I am an anxious person by nature. My mind is always looking at the next thing I need to do and I always feel like I am in a rush, even if I really don’t need to be. To say that that is exhausting and frustrating sometimes is an understatement. It is only recently that I realized what an effect it was having on my parenting. I was always rushed with the kids, not ever wanting to hang out or even really talk with them. I was just focused on getting the next thing done, especially right now in this forced homeschooling because of the Covid pandemic.
I appreciate how much work the kids’ teachers put into their lessons but it didn’t feel like I was homeschooling; just doing homework and meeting deadlines for 3 kids full time. There is a huge difference between homeschooling your kids where you are in charge and making the curriculum decisions and doing homework the way someone else wants it done, when they want it done. I can be good at meeting deadlines but it doesn’t bring out the lovey dovey mom but the get’er done now mom!
The problem is me!
So long story short; this whole thing made me realize that the behavior issues I had with my kids were more about me than them. I wasn’t taking the time to listen to them, to be with them. I was just impatient and getting angry when they weren’t obeying me right away. That might work out ok if I was running a business but a family is not a business. Business Amanda away needed to be put away and I actually had to work on a relationship with my kids while somehow still getting them to get all this work done! Which is no small feat for me since, truth be told, I can really have a one track mind! So, what did I do? I asked God for help, like I always do! Save me from myself again, Lord! Please?
Basic Stuff
Well, it has not been some grand overnight change but I am gradually learning to adopt a better attitude. The first thing I had to do was let go of my expectations. We were not going to get all this wonderful homeschool style stuff done that I had planned for their time at home. I might get to some of it but instead I chose to focus on the school’s outline. If we have time, I do some of my stuff with the kids but I don’t get upset anymore if it doesn’t work out. Next, I had to read my bible and pray some more. I know… I know… its basic stuff we are told to do but honestly it’s made a huge difference. Taking on this new challenge with my spiritual tank empty was setting myself up for failure. Honestly, it’s like self care: You don’t do it and you end up with very little left to give to anyone else.
The big one was I had to question my way of looking at my kids. I was simply upset at their misbehaviour but making no attempt to get to the root of the issue. Why were they were doing what they were doing? What was their heart in this? What needs were they trying to get met? How was my attitude making this worse? It’s a very tough thing to look at your parenting and admit you are failing in some area. But the reality is that things don’t tend to get better until we face ourselves. We need then, to seek Him who promises all wisdom and understanding to those who ask.
So lately, I have been trying hard to refocus on being at peace. Let the rush and anxiety go and just be. Stopping to actually talk with my kids and not at them is huge and I have realized I was harder on some areas than I should have and too lax in others. I’m working harder at being fair and to not hold a grudge against my own kids for past wrongs. Shameful to admit, I know, but I had to stop just assuming the worst because of a pattern of behaviour that had developed that I didn’t like and choose to see good, to be positive and patient. I am happy to report that pattern is beginning to break as I change my pattern of behaviour. Really and truly the sins of us as parents are often born out of exhaustion, stress and fear. And aren’t those the best tools in the enemy’s bag.
Abide
So parents, the way to survive and thrive is to abide in Him. We need to seek His wisdom, get our rest, let go of our fears and trust that He is faithful to do as He has promised. Reevaluate your expectations. Why are they important to you? Are the motivations for your expectations really valid or what you want to be driving you? The thing that I am learning is that peace and rest and stillness are accessible to me through Jesus even in the craziness of trying to Covid-school 3 kids. My nature of anxiety can be overridden by Jesus’ nature of confident serenity.